The sun has by now become
a pastel mistake on gray wallpaper.
Our heads loosen, like separate things
attached and melting their sinews
that were falsely, shamelessly spliced.
From the ground looking at trees,
the sky grows veins
and I remain solid for a while
looking through hibernating womb
walls and wind vessels.
Monday, December 15, 2008
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5 comments:
I guess this is the kind of hopelessness we can expect from someone who voted for Ralph "NADIR!" OhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh!
I think seasonal affectation disorder influenced my voting decisions. Le sigh.
Honestly, is this any better?
Large improvement. I will focus on the problems since they are outweighed by the positive qualities (PS: what's a great one-word antithesis of "problem" that means "positive quality"? Please do not say "solution" or "cure" or "fix", as that just confuses):
Line 5: "falsely, shamelessly"
Comment: Despite fine content, lead into next stanza, double adverbs, like most single adverbs, including all of those that I use in my own poems, are somewhat tacky. Check out Steven King's "On Writing" book for more on that.
Line 6: "From the ground looking at trees"
Comment: I'm torn about this line. Perspective is great but at first read/glance this line read itself as simple to me. Perhaps an adjective? Perhaps not, though, as the later part of this stanza is one super description (*see second comment following).
Line 8: "remain solid for a while"
Comment: My concerns? Redundancy and cliche.
Line 9-10: "hibernating . . . vessels"
Comment: Were you conscious of the descriptions in this (though short) poem being somewhat unbalanced? Provides great word play but may also create a power struggle where certain lines "FEEL" weaker than others. I'd love to hear your thoughts on imagery, too.
Firstly, thank you for your response; I'm certainly not as comfortable in this form than others. For someone who values logic, I seem to have trouble in maintaining coherence in verse.
These verses, also, were written in ten minutes with little to no revision, but enough of the excuses.
I wanted to move from the cerebral to the bodily- that the season, sun, and people create a misery that displaces themselves. Also, I'm verbose; I could probably cut the adverbs.
The second stanza intrigued me even though I don't know why the speaker would suddenly be on the ground looking up- an issue that needs addressing. But here, I want to bring the speaker back toward an earthly, "solid" state that doesn't provide solace but perhaps reintroduces a sense of living. So, tree branches as veins, the wind as vessels which carry something (which may compromise metaphoric consistency- veins are vessels after all)... The cold womb as an intimation of a return (albeit an intimation rather than confirmation) to life without mental detachment/alienation.
Heavy revision needed.
Thanks again, man.
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