Cameron Diaz

For The Fat Asshole I Almost Hit on My Bike

"Well for one thing you're going the wrong way"
"I know," I say, "I know I'm going the wrong way"

I feel like all the people who were just kicked out of the library for looking at porn
Who are they kidding when they claim a banana is a "solid food"

Hello, we're calling from the Suburban Station Lost and Found office
Mom thought you died or something, nope, still here

"Your session is over because this is certainly not research"
"I know," I say, "I know this is not research"

I find a watch on my floor and ask my friends if I should wear it
-Yeah, wear the watch, sure
-Do you like the watch? If you like it you should wear it, ya know?
-Watch?! I don't have time for this or did you forget what I'm going through!

An older friend believes his virus scanner is what's giving him viruses
"The fix is in" he says, smiling with pride
smiling because he's above the corruption
the corruption that's drowning us
that we're pretending we're swimming through

The way you set up your room now makes me think you're having sex with other people in it

This is me at my most spaceman
doing a whole new brand of moonwalk

This is about the time of night I start thinking
about the letters spelling Cameron Diaz

The time i think about "sweeping up"
in verb form

The time I think of Jodi Picoult
menstruating somewhere
somewhere woodsy where the heat's always on
because it always just snowed